Scream Hiding
by The Evilest Girl Scout
Summary: A series of unfortunate, random, and fastpaced events. Oneshot


This is a challenge fic…

_Challenge Rules:_

**1.) It MUST be Lily/James. **

**2.) Lily must be angry with James for some reason. No "I hate you" stuff. **

**3.) Lily and James must have recently broken up.**

**4.) Sirius, Remus, Peter, and some of Lily's friends are expected to be included. They may or may not help solve the fight. **

**5.) Sirius must be as random as ever. **

**6.) (Here's a tough one) Try...no swearing/cursing. Dun, dun, dun!**

**7.) The following words must be included in the story: **

-**Giant Squid **

**-Twitch (must be used frequently) **

**-"And the grand total shall be..." **

**-Bunny **

**8.) Professor Slughorn must show up every so often and offer everyone Crystalized Pineapple. **

**9.) Remus shall let go of his Bookworm-ish ways. **

**10.) Peter must actually say something. **

**11.) Can be set at anytime during Marauder's Hogwarts days. (No time travel!) **

**12.) Must be a one-shot. **

**13.) James must stand on a table top and belt out a Country song.**

**14.) Must take place at Hogwarts.**

**15.) Must end in the strangest possible way you can think of.**

**Author's note: I found this challenge last night and wrote this in fewer than 24 hours, of which I am actually quite proud. It's just a fun thing, really. Hopefully you like it…Review!**

**Scream Hiding**

"AAAAAAH!" James wondered how anyone would write out a scream. But it didn't matter much, because he was the one doing the screaming. And said screaming was definitely out loud – nowhere near a sheet of paper. He screamed again and Lily looked up.

"Is there a problem?"

James ran. How could she do this to him? True, the love of his life had broken up with him yesterday. It was still killing him. And now it was worse than killing him. Because Lily Evans, James's girlfriend of yesterday but not today, was passionately kissing Kenneth Anderson on the top of the astronomy tower.

James did not stop until he hit something very hard. Expecting a wall, he looked up into the face of Professor Slughorn.

"Hello, Potter. Nice to see you at a different angle." He helped James off the floor. "Having a bad day?" James's chalk-white face answered the question for him. "Of course you are. Crystallized pineapple?"

"Depends on how long it's been in your cloak," James responded, worried.

"Then perhaps you'd rather not." Slughorn gave a twitch in his eye which James assumed was a lousy attempt at a wink.

"AAAAAAH!" James wondered how anyone would write out a scream, but he didn't get the chance to think about it much, because Sirius burst into view.

"A BUNNY!" he yelled frantically. "AAAAAAH! BUNNIES! THEY'LL HAUNT ME UNTIL I DIE."

Professor Slughorn gave James a questioning look, one begging for an explanation.

"He tried to feed a bunny to the giant squid once," James explained, "but it spit it out and it landed on Sirius's face." James's mouth twitched at the memory.

"Of course." Then, turning to Sirius, "Crystallized pineapple?"

"Yes!" Sirius squealed. "I adore crystallized pineapple! I have it every night before I go to bed, with a glass of boiling vodka."

"He actually does," James assured the potions master while Sirius greedily wolfed down the pineapple, completely ignorant as to how long it had been in Slughorn's pocket.

"Right," he stated after he had finished. "PRONGS, MATE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? You're just like the bunnies, you know. Haunting…"

Slughorn explained for James. "Potter was having a bad day, I understand, though why I do not know."

"A bad day?" Sirius gasped. "Oh, no, Prongs! Oh no, no, no, no, no. Come here, Prongsie, love. Sirie Werie can help you. Come to Padfoot! There's a good boy."

James stared at him, muttering, "Bunnies scarred him for life…"

"WHAT WAS THAT, PRONGSIE? I DIDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU." Sirius hollered.

"There's really no need to yell, Black," stated Slughorn.

"No, no, of course not, Professor," Sirius whispered, and then, in his normal voice, said, "did you know dear Lily Evans broke up with him yesterday?"

"Yes," Slughorn said absentmindedly. "Yes, she told me last week she was planning on it."

"SHE WHAT?!?" James and Sirius yelled together.

"Hey, are you talking about me?"

Three heads whipped around to face one with red hair twitching in the candlelight.

"Yeah," Sirius said. "Yeah. You know what, YEAH, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU, WITCH WITH A 'B', YOU –"

"Sirius," James shut him up, mortified.

Lily, however, looked amused.

"Okay…so I assume he told you about me and Anderson…."

"Wait, you and…ANDERSON? AS IN ANDERSON COMMA KENNETH?"

"But without the comma," Lily corrected.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WITHOUT THE COMMA'? WHAT THE –"

"Black!" Slughorn made his presence known by twitching his arm next to Sirius's side. "Profanity…"

"Right you are, Professor," Sirius apologized. "Too right you are."

The four were silent for a moment, until…

"YOU'RE DATING ANDERSON? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO JAMES? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEE?"

"You?" Lily questioned.

"No. MEEEEEE. How could you do this to MEEEEEE? I'm James's best mate."

"Really," Lily said sarcastically. "I had no idea."

"YOU'RE DATING ANDERSON?" Sirius thundered.

"Keep it down, Padfoot, will you?" James told him.

"Technically," Lily began, "I'm not dating him."

"YOU WERE SNOGGING HIM IN THE ASTRONOMY TOWER!" James roared.

"Keep it down, Potter, will you?" Slughorn told him. "I'm leaving. Good night! Oh, right," he added, misinterpreting the students' stares. "Lily, dear, crystallized pineapple?"

"Uh…sure…"

He handed her a glob of yellow, which she ate and immediately spit out behind her hand.

"Thank you, Professor," she called after him.

"Suck up," James muttered.

"Lily has a wand in her bra! Lily has a wand in her bra!" Sirius chanted.

"What?..."

"Well, she does…"

"Actually, I do. It was sweet of you to notice."

"She called me sweet," Sirius cooed. "YOU'RE sweet, Lily. Except for the part where YOU'RE DATING ANDERSON!"

"Why are you dating Anderson?"

"Who's Anderson?"

"You're not dating Anderson."

"I'm so confused right now."

The last four speakers had just arrived on the scene, having heard dulcet tones from down the hallway and having seen Slughorn's arm twitching into his left pocket, fingering a yellow glob.

"Hey, now it's a party," Sirius exclaimed. "Moony and Wormtail, and Scarlett AND AMANDA! Hello, Amanda, darling, how ARE you, dashing, I hope?"

"Ahem." Remus, who was clutching a book, coughed.

"Sorry, Moony, didn't mean to disturb your reading." Sirius's mouth twitched into a grin.

"I'm sure," Remus retorted, scathingly.

"Are you dating Anderson?" Peter asked, confused.

"ME?!" Sirius looked revolted.

"Lily."

"ME?!" Lily yelled. "No, of course not. Why on earth would I date that GIT?"

"I would have asked that question myself," James noted, "IF I HADN'T JUST SEEN YOU SNOGGING HIS FACE OFF!"

"Ooh, Lily. Good one," Scarlett squealed.

"What'd you mean 'good one'?" James yelped.

"We always knew she was a slut," Peter muttered.

"Excuse me? Just because I happen to agree with most people and think that Kenneth Anderson is a good kisser does NOT make me a SLUT!"

James coughed and Lily rounded on him.

"You! You think you're so special just because you went out with me! I'll have you know that you weren't the only one."

Remus laughed. "And the grand total shall be…?"

"Nine," Lily said, counting on her fingers, "which, if you think about it, really isn't that bad. Just because I snog people DOES NOT MEAN I GO OUT WITH THEM!"

"And how does that not make you a slut?" Amanda asked, her eyes twitching with laughter.

"AAAAAAH! You're SUPPOSED to be one of my best mates!"

James wondered how anyone would write out a scream.

"Crystallized pineapple, anyone?" Professor Slughorn had re-entered the hallway.

"Erm," Remus articulated over his book.

"J'AIME BEIN LES ANANAS!" Sirius screamed.

"You speak French?" Scarlett exclaimed. "Wow, that's so romantic." 

"Except," James interrupted, "the only thing he knows how to say is 'I like pineapples a lot.'"

"J'AIME BEIN LES POMLEMOUSSES!"

"And 'grapefruit.'"

"He likes fruit," Peter explained.

"Alright," Slughorn sighed, defeated, his hands twitching toward the pocket of pineapple. "No pineapple for anyone…"

"Only because you forgot the boiling vodka!" Sirius called after him.

"…Boiling vodka?..." Scarlett questioned.

"He has it every night before he goes to bed," Remus said from behind his book.

"Yes," Peter affirmed. "Boiling vodka and crystallized pineapple every night, and extra when he's feeling a bit twitchy."

"I'm feeling twitchy today…." Sirius told them. "But I can't calm my twitchy-ness because SLUGHORN FORGOT THE BOILING VODKA, THE LITTLE –"

"Sirius!" James interjected. "Please!"

"Someone's twitchy today," Sirius muttered, put out.

"Good night! Slughorn called. "Just passing through!"

"Hey!" Sirius squealed. "Let's have a sing-a-thon!" The 18-year-old man jumped up and down, clapping his hands.

"A sing-a-thon?" James reiterated.

"HA! You were the first one to say something after I said it! Now you have to sing to Lily."

"WHAT?!?" James and Lily both yelped.

"SING, YOU DEAF OYSTER! SING!" Sirius bellowed.

"Why?"

"Because I want you to, you mossy hippogriff."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Lily questioned.

"Of course it's supposed to be an insult! I don't go around calling perfectly respectable people 'mossy hippogriffs.'"

"Of course you don't…"

"I wouldn't put it past him," snorted Amanda.

"SING!" Sirius commanded.

"Yeah." Lily followed suit. "Sing for me!" To Scarlett and Amanda she muttered, her voice twitching with sarcasm, "I've really got to hear this."

"Anderson snogger –" James said.

"YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!" Lily screamed at him, her left cheek bone twitching. James had known her temper long enough to realize that this was not a good sign. "YOU'RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME WHO I CAN AND CANNOT SNOG! I'LL KISS WHOMEVER I WANT TO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

The hallway was silent for a long three minutes.

"Crystallized pineapple?" Slughorn had returned to the vaulted corridor.

"I love the way pineapple is spelled," Sirius sighed.

"Just passing through," Slughorn called behind him.

"SING FOR LILY!" Sirius bellowed.

"Okay…what do you want me to sing?" James turned to the love of his life.

"I didn't ask you to do ANYTHING for me."

"Could you please sing "I Can Feel You Breathe' by Faith Hill?" Peter inquired.

Remus's face twitched into a wide grin behind his book.

"I need a stage," James pouted.

"Here –" Amanda came to the rescue, conjuring a table with her wand.

"Ah, I love women with extraordinary magical talent." Sirius batted his long eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Sirius, do you have a twitch, dear?" Amanda sniggered.

"I can feel you breathe!" James howled. "It's washing over me! Suddenly I'm melting into you!"

"Oh, my!" Slughorn exclaimed, rushing to the seven students. "Who's hurt? Lily, is everything alright?" He caught sight of James standing on the table with his mouth open, noise coming out, and Sirius's hair standing on end. "Potter! Were you…singing?"

"Yes, Sir. I'm sorry, Sir. It won't happen again, Sir."

"'Sir' much?" Lily murmured.

"That's quite alright. Crystallized pineapple?"

"Do you have vodka to go with that?" James asked him.

"I have a suspicion Professor Dumbledore might," Slughorn offered.

"ONWARD!" Sirius shouted happily.

"Black, please keep your voice down," Slughorn reprimanded.

The seven students and one teacher trudged up to the headmaster's office, a circular room one could spend hours in. The visitors' hands twitched, itching to touch everything magical.

"Lovely," Dumbledore greeted them, blue eyes clear as ever. "James, Sirius, Remus, Amanda, Professor, Scarlett, Lily, Peter." He nodded at each of them respectively.

"Crystallized pineapple, Professor?" Slughorn offered.

"Certainly. Thank you. I believe I have some boiling vodka around here somewhere…." He twitched his wand and a glass of the substance appeared before him, sending Sirius into convulsions.

"Join me, Mr. Black?" the bearded man asked gently.

Sirius threw himself at Dumbledore's feet. "You're a good man," he sobbed, downing the crystallized pineapple and boiling vodka in a single gulp. "You'll have to forgive me, Sir. I'm feeling a wee bit twitchy today."

"Perfectly understandable. I'm feeling quite twitchy myself." Dumbledore mimicked Sirius, swallowing the pineapple and vodka in a single twitch of the throat. "Well," he said after a time, "it's a good thing you came, for there is something important I must disclose."

"Disclose?" Peter questioned quietly.

"He's going to tell us something," Remus whispered back, still behind his book.

"YOU NIMROD!" Sirius burst from his already twitching mouth. "HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT DISCLOSE MEANS? ARE YOU A GIANT BAT?"

"Thank you, Mr. Black, for your profound statements," Dumbledore cooed.

"You were going to tell us something, Professor," Lily reminded him.

"Yes, thank you, dear." He smiled at Lily and James. "I hope you two resolve your fight soon."

"Hey!" Sirius ejaculated. "I always knew we were on the same page, Professor! I was thinking the same thing myself."

"As was I," Slughorn said absentmindedly.

"You were not," Remus's voice said from behind his book.

"True…" Slughorn murmured.

"Remus," Professor Dumbledore said calmly, "will you please set the book down?"

"THANK YOU! IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE ASKED ME TO!" Remus hollered, chucking his book into the fire.

The entire room, excluding Dumbledore, twitched and stared.

"STOP LOOKING AT ME!" Remus bellowed.

"Whoa," muttered Sirius. "Someone's a bit twitchy today. Anyway, Professor, I agree with you. James and Lily need to resolve their many differences."

"Most definitely," Dumbledore agreed.

"Way to agree with a professor for the first time in your life," Scarlett said.

"I have so agreed with professors before!" Sirius defended himself. "I agreed with McGonagall when she said that quidditch is bad for me. QUIDDITCH MAKES ME WANT TO TIE MY SPLEEN INTO A BOW!"

Slughorn twitched, Amanda, Lily and Scarlett stared, Remus coughed, James fell off his chair, Peter fell into the fire, and even Dumbledore looked mildly surprised.

"Relax, people," Sirius soothed them. "It's opposite day…."

"Owie, owie, owie!" Peter was yelping.

"Fire hurts, darling," Amanda comforted him.

"Here –" Sirius poured the rest of his boiling vodka on the wound.

"OOOOOOOW!"

"Sirius!" James exclaimed. "What possessed you to put boiling vodka on a fire burn?"

"A blazing salamander with purple polka dots."

"Ooh!" Peter had completely forgotten his pain, probably due to the fact that Fawks had cried on the burn. "Where do you find one of those?"

"I have a few in my potions classroom," Slughorn said.

"THAT'S what's possessing me!" shouted Sirius.

"I thought it was the bunnies…" James muttered.

"DO NOT MENTION THOSE DISHEARTENING COCKROACHES EVER AGAIN!"

"James and Lily are going to get married and have a son who will take over the world," Dumbledore announced.

"AAAAAAH!"

As Lily's powerful and passionate yell surrounded Dumbledore's office with opal-colored smoke, James wondered how anyone would write out a scream.

**See the little periwinkle button that says "go"? Please push it and write something!**

13


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